Hopped on live with Dynast Amir’s channel, Search For Uhuru and we talk all things Straight, Black, Love.
Check the video out below!
Dating a very close friend can be a beautiful thing, but it can also be very daunting. If you are thinking about taking this major step in your relationship, here are some pros and cons that you need to know before you embark on this journey:
They Like You, For You
When you’ve just met someone, the most cringe-worthy things in your life are probably the things you keep to yourself, for at least a few dates. But, to your best friend, it’s just another amazing story, that you’d never have to feel embarrassed about.
When someone loves you for you – flaws and all, it is a feeling that cannot be described. They were there during your awkward times and many more embarrassing moments but they were there for every last one of them.
You’ll Probably Have A Lot In Common
Friendships usually bud from a common interest, whether it’s your love for romantic movies or even a sport, you guys grew closer to each other because of similar interests. This makes the transition easy because you can continue doing things that you love doing – together!
Their Family Knows And Accepts You …Hopefully
After you and your best friend have been friends for years, it’s a no-brainer that you and their family would have a relationship. If you have a permanent spot at the dinner table, then they already love you and have probably been thinking – why aren’t they together already!
Mutual Friends
Do you remember all the times you had to meet your ex’s friends? Did you dread having to meet a whole new group of people? If you dated your best friend, you share the same friends – so you can avoid any awkward introductions!
They Know Your Past – The Good Bad And The Evil
There is nothing more uncomfortable than diving into the past and discussing your dating history (or any part of your past for that matter) with your new love interest. But with your best friend, they know it all, and never judged you because odds are, they were the person you came crying to.
Things May Change
Once you have decided to explore dating your best friend, you should consider how this new dynamic would affect your current relationship. A friendship and an intimate relationship both require work but an intimate relationship requires a different level of attention, care and growth because your lives are now directly intertwined rather than being supportive roles.
Ending The Relationship Might End Your Friendship
If all doesn’t go to plan, can you go back to being just friends? Before embarking on an intimate relationship with your best friend, you would have to evaluate the chance of them not being in your life at all. Sometimes, you’ll end up losing a lover and a friend in the process.
It Would Also Disrupt Your Immediate Circle Of Friends
If you and your bestie-now-turned-lover decides to calls it quits, not only would it be almost impossible for you to rekindle your friendship, but you may also lose a few friends along the way as it’s likely for some to feel as though they need to choose a side.
In the end, there is no set guidelines for this not so unique situation because what may have worked for someone else might not exactly work for you. Yes, it looks asthough the pros outweigh the cons, but, before you open Whatsapp, ask yourself some honest questions.
Why your best friend? Why now? What would you do if it doesn’t work out? Is it worth it?
There exists 5 stages to any relationship:
1. Infatuation
(Romance Phase)
2. Power Struggle
(Conflict & Bickering)
3. Stability
(Resolution & Peace)
4. Commitment
(Marriage & Children)
5. Co-Operation
(Bliss Phase)
Many of us don’t make it past the Power Struggle of a relationship or if we do, we some how find our way back in some kind of conflict with our loved one.
‘Power Struggle’ by definition is the clash of two people coming together, and the reason for this conflict is due to differences in opinion, religion, political views, parenting, finances, etc.
The problem we have, especially as young people, is how we choose who we end up with. There needs to be a vetting process and this is based on the standards that we set for a potential partner which is a reflection of the standard that we have for ourselves.
This standard that we hold ourselves to is intrinsically connected to our values, our qualities and our moral character. And this forms our sense of self identity.
The question one must ask them self is, who am I?
What defines me?
What makes me who I am?
What do I like? What do I dislike?
Who do I want to be like?
Who do I not want to be like?
What is my purpose?
What is my vision?
The best way to draw all these things together is to perform a SWOT assessment of oneself like in a business: assess ones strengths, weaknesses, opportunities and threats.
In relation to the four pillars of ones identity:
Spirituality, Psychology, Physicality and Finances.
1. Spirit
2. Mind
3. Body
Perhaps the best way to look at the Power Struggle is firstly the struggle within ones Self, before involving someone else.
Think objectively, if you were single would you be happy to date you?
And,
would you be happy and stable if you settled down with you?
Take for example the Six Human Emotional Needs:
1. Certainty or Consistency
2. Uncertainty or Variety
3. Significance
4. Love & Connection
5. Growth & Progression
6. Purpose & Contribution
Everyone fulfils 1 – 4 emotional needs in a healthy or unhealthy way, not a lot of people are able to develop to the level where they can fulfil the remaining 5 – 6.
Maybe it can be put forward that until one has fully matured and developed themselves to point number six that they have no business being involved in a serious romantic relationship.
One who is immature and therefore has no or little understanding of Self, has no business getting involved in serious relationships. That person will be a liability firstly to them self and secondly to the person they are with. This is the point where irreversible life changing decisions are made (usually under the influence of infatuation).
Once the magic of the “honeymoon” phase wears off and/or when the person comes to a knowledge of who they are situations commonly associated with the Power Struggle arise; which could have been avoided if one exercised sound judgement. This is where the concept of a relationship being unequally yoked is birthed.
However, in stating all of this. The majority of people will fall into this stage of conflict and disagreement, once here what the possible outcomes:
1. Breakup
2. Compromise
3. Adapt
Point number one is self explanatory.
Point number two is the group where many married people fall into whether one compromises themselves to avoid conflict or to fulfil the needs of ones partner.
Point number three is the most healthy and conducive to a functional union. This is a level up from merely compromising, which is synonymous with settling. When one adapts it means to invest time and energy to work on ones union. To learn about each other, understand one another and ultimately accept your partner for who they are which leads to Stability, Commitment and Bliss once the foundation has been formed on acceptance of who your partner is, rather than falling in love with the idea of the person.
Learning your partner, involves understanding what they respond to most. In other words, what is their love language:
1. Words of Affirmation
2. Acts of Service
3. Quality Time
4. Physical Touch
5. Receiving Gifts
Once one understands one is able to better cater to the emotional needs of the other, and most importantly know what fulfils oneself. Fulfilment in this area, re-connects both people together and strengthens the bond more so through commitment than mere lust and infatuation, which is fickle and non-substantial.
Knowledge of ones lover, on the other hand, is the framework from which one can build upon through co-operation in the Bliss phase to achieve ones vision through purpose.
A lot of relationships enter and remain or end in a Power Struggle when a union is founded on passion. When two people know who they are, have a purpose in life and come together to share in the same vision their relationship has a chance to grow and develop to heights that far surpass mediocrity.
It all starts with a knowledge of who you are.