Choose Your Black Queen Everyday… Or Leave Her

“I wasted five years hurting a good black queen by passively staying with her but never choosing her fully.”

What is worst than being single (for the person who doesn’t want to be single)?

Being with someone who makes you feel single…

To her I bet it feels like a slow torturous death; if you are absent when times get tough and then leave her be – she deserves a man who is always present especially when the going gets tough.

As a man it doesn’t feel right to string a black queen’s heart along knowing deep in your heart you have no intention to choose her and be there when she needs you the most. A good black woman deserves a man who will love her unconditionally and that person is out there, it is clearly not you, you are just in her way to true happiness and love.

You can’t be in a relationship and be choosy of the moments you want to be in her life, it’s not optional or even practical.
If she has made up her mind to fully commit to you and be loyal to only you, it’s high time you reciprocate the commitment mutually.


It is true – relationships aren’t always fun, cute or smooth; they take up energy and require both parties to put in A LOT of work to make it last.
And if you want your relationship to last you better be prepared to make compromises and adapt to the learning curve in loving your woman.. despite her flaws.

You don’t dissect, pick, and pull the parts you love about her; it simply doesn’t work that way.
You’re either all in or all out – that is what is meant by “choose your black queen every day”.

Staying is not doing HER a favour, it’s wrong.

Forced emotion is ill-fated to fail terribly. You are getting in the way of her choice to move on, and diminishing her odds to finding someone who will love her wholeheartedly. As a man this is selfish. And only shows that you are self-centred or insecure and unsure of your readiness to move on even if you love her deep down.

I wasted five years hurting a good black queen by passively staying with her but never choosing her fully.

From the bottom of my heart, I wanted to be with this one. At first, I wanted to choose her but I can’t explain why or how I drifted from her. She was an exquisite black queen… intelligent, funny, sexy and a genius in bed. She had her charming dark witty ways to make my whole body weak with laughter;  African beauty and cadence short-circuited my brain to a point where I couldn’t bear the thought of being with someone else.

But we were young and unfortunately our blissful ignorance of how to carry on while in love quickly escalated to stressful challenges and the magical Midas touch we had, went out the backdoor. It wasn’t long before my early mornings were filled with dead silence and blank stares, I could almost hear her thoughts out loud wondering if there was another woman out there, but I was just as baffled. That is when I realized that the end was near and we both knew it. But we were immature and choose to wallow in denial and every single day, for those five years I chose her less and less.

We both suffered

I stayed with her thinking I was doing her the favour of being the warrior she needed, but the truth hurts to admit that I just stopped choosing her. For me, it would have meant to step up and gather the energy to focus on the ways she was a divine gift in my life, but my entire energy resources were long depleted. I should have shown more gratitude for her laughter, rare beauty, sensuality playfulness, and divine companionship but I failed to do right by her.

Sadly it became almost impossible to embrace or even see what was wildly wonderful about her.

Anger ensured, followed by insecurity, and demands and other special aspects of her strong personality that grated on me, more and more I focused and expected her worst, and the worst I got of it. I reacted by reflecting my worst habits, this only naturally magnified the strain in our once magical relationship.

So I shut down emotionally and chose her less and less.

I owe her to this day for the pain I cause when I let her fight for me to choose her I made a fool out of her.

To be fair, she didn’t fully choose me either. The rage towards me was unforgettably evident.

I did abandon her.

Your black queen deserves to be chosen … 

By not fully choosing her for five years, by focusing on what bothered me than what I adored about her. I had unknowingly deserted her a long time ago. It’s like buying a rare and vibrant exotic flower and bringing it proudly bringing it into my home then neglecting to water it. The ways I left her alone were countless as she withered away in the dry heat in the dry heat of our intimate relationships.

I’ll never do that again;

It like self-inflicted torture for everyone

In a relationship ask yourself “why have I chose this person?”

If your answer is not satisfying enough dig deeper and find one that is!
It could be as simple as noticing in your heart’s truth “I just did”

If you can’t find one today, ask yourself again tomorrow.

But if too many days go by and you can’t connect with why you chose your woman and your relationship is rife with stress, let her go, create the opening for another man to show up and see them with fresh eyes and a yearning heart that will enthusiastically choose them every day.

And next time, choose wisely.

Daniel N

Daniel N

Hello, my name is Daniel. I contribute to the Straight Black Blog to share my perspective on black relationships, healing and also the cultural and heritage subjects pertaining to the black community in general.