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Black Men Need A Safe Place To Be Angry

The Power Struggle

A Common Issue Between Black Men & Black Women

The Power Struggle

Hey, my name is Arielle. I am the founder of - a dating app which aims to connect serious, marriage-minded black singles worldwide.
I created the Straight Black Blog to share stories and issues pertaining to the black community, black relationships and healing. 

If you'd like to contribute to the blog please get in contact - always happy to have guest bloggers!


When marriages break apart, the love life does not end there. People with kids start dating again. You may end up getting a partner who is a great match for you but the problem is that you may not know if your new partner will accept your kids. On the other hand, your kids may not get along with him/her. It is normally recommended that after a break-up and you start dating that your new partner should not meet your kids too early on – just in case. But it could be ages before your partner meets your children in this case. The trouble is what if you become emotionally invested in your new relationship it begins to get serious but by the time they meet your kids they don’t get along?

This would definitely be a deal breaker. Your children are a big part of your life (if not the biggest) and since you are looking for someone to share your life with, if they don’t get along with your most prized possessions the relationship probably won’t work.

If someone doesn’t accept your kids with open arms, you better say bye to them. Your aim is to find someone that’s gonna have your children’s back as well as yours. You have to all get along or the relationship won’t work.

In such a case, you have a hard decision to choose between your partner and your kids. In most cases, people will choose their kids whatsoever. Your kids came first remember! Some people will try to understand why the partner does not get on with your children and hope that with time they will bond, but that is risky, and is it worth the risk?


The worst thing you can do is to force your partner or your kids to develop a connection…which will push them further apart. Sometimes children develop negative feelings towards the new partner, for whatever reason and often times this is a red flag which needs to be explored. In such a case, ALWAYS listen to what they are saying. Your kids SHOULD have a say into your new relationship and it is necessary to prioritize their feelings and thoughts. If kids are already complaining about your new partner, this is a sign that they may not accept him/her as a member of your family. Not listening to your kids in these scenarios often result in abuse by that partner.


Here are signs you can watch out earlier before your relationship gets too much if your new partner is bonding with your kids.


  1. Communication

Great communication is very healthy for a relationship and the way your new partner communicates with your kids can tell you whether they are likely to engage in a relationship. If there is miscommunication and they don’t engage in conversations, which are a clear sign that they may not get along.

  1. Avoidance

If your partner does not look forward to spending time with your kids then there is a problem. Someone who gets along with your kids will actively look for ways to spend time with your kids. And if your kids are avoiding your new partner then it’s worse.

  1. Your Partner is Jealous With Your Kids

Some partners may seem to be jealous of your kids and even the time you spend with your kids. Some will even go to an extent of telling you to stop seeing them. They may even suggest going on a trip with you alone without the children. Such a partner is not ready to bond with your kids and it’s better to cut your relationship before you ruin your own relationship with your kids.




The #BlackLove movement seen across social media is more than a trending hashtag. Historically our families were separated, and even today, mainstream depictions of Black families are represented by a single parent unit headed by a mother. The resurgence of a social Black Love movement is multifaceted insofar as reclaiming our fundamental human right to Marriage and Family (Art 16). Black Love inherently lays the foundations to the building blocks of our communities; the African family – without it, we have no basis from which to create our customs, culture or legacies.

Join us on Thursday 28th February as we gather to celebrate and discuss the solutions to strengthening and sustaining Black relationships. Joined by some of our friends, we will explore the central themes of Communication, Business and the power and impact of digital media on Black Love. Delving deeper, led by Tony Cealy, the audience will be invited to participate in discussions and fun exercises along with the panel who will also share their respective journeys and present the methods they have used in order to sustain healthy and balanced relationships in business and love.

  • Exploring Black Love: Self, Business and Community (First Afrikan Directive)
  • Why Communication is not only key, it is everything
  • Love Languages – What are they? What are yours?
  • Black Love under Attack: The Emasculation of Black Men
  • Representation and the Power of Digital Media
  • Black Love in and as Business

See footage from the event below;


A romantic relationship is nothing short of incredible, hence, no one goes into a dedicated relationship thinking about its demise. But, what happens when it is stagnant? When you and partner aren’t happy? As painful as it may be, if you feel as though it has come to that point, here are some helpful signs that you should look for when it’s time to move on.

  1. Your Future No Longer Includes Him

The goal of any union is to build a longstanding partnership. If there is no possible future insight with this person, then why are you wasting your time? No one wants to waste their time nor should you waste the time of others. If you do not see it going anywhere, then it’s time to hit the eject button.

  1. When There Is No Attraction (Physically)

Sexual chemistry is vital and if you’re no longer attracted to him then the longevity of the union is heavily compromised.

  1. You Can’t Trust Him Anymore

Have you ever been in a thriving romance where there was no trust? No! I’m simply just doesn’t work. If you find that you’re constantly wondering if he’s telling you the truth, or constantly fact checking behind him, then something is terribly wrong. Trust is one of the major ingredients between two people and when it is no longer there (or has been broken) it’s extremely hard to repair those broken ties. If you both have tried to work on this and it’s just not working, maybe it’s time to reevaluate the future.

  1. When You’ve Outgrown Him

Growth is inevitable and one of the most beautiful things in life is growing together with your spouse. The problem arises when you have outgrown him.

  1. You No Longer Have The Same Ambitions…

If you’re both equally ambitious than there is no problem as you’ll both actively work hard to reach your respective goals. But if you don’t have the same ambition as your companion (and vice versa), it can grow increasingly difficult to sustain. Why? When your partner can’t understand why you must spend one more hour in the office to complete a task since they’ll rather binge-watch the latest Netflix show, shows that not only does he not understand what’s fundamental to you, but that they cannot prioritize something that’s important to you and your advancement. This causes you to lose the respect that you once had.

  1. Nor Do You No Longer Have The Same Values

Sometimes persons can adjust their goals and ambitions in life (for better or worse) but it’s not as easy to adjust their values because our values are a vital part of livelihood – and it’s for the most part, ingrained in us. Now, mature relations feature compromise and negotiation because after all, not everyone has the same values, but, the problems arise when your values begin to clash. If no compromises can be made regarding the most imperative values, then it’s time to move on.

  1. When You Can’t Forget The Past

We have all been through things in our past. But, we should never bring our baggage into your current situation as those demons in your past can certainly affect your present. It’s doubly hard to progress together when those hardships were brought about from your current situation.

  1. When You Stop Having Fun Together

Partnerships require a lot of work, but they are also meant to be filled with love and joy. When you’ve found that your love has lost that spark and you’ve tried your very best to revive that sense of joy, then it may be time to call it quits. After all, no one wants to be in a union which has now turned into a chore. Partnerships are hard but finding joy in your day to day life shouldn’t be that hard.

Moving on can be gut-wrenching but sometimes love doesn’t conquer all and that’s fine.

Dating a very close friend can be a beautiful thing, but it can also be very daunting. If you are thinking about taking this major step in your relationship, here are some pros and cons that you need to know before you embark on this journey:



They Like You, For You

When you’ve just met someone, the most cringe-worthy things in your life are probably the things you keep to yourself, for at least a few dates. But, to your best friend, it’s just another amazing story, that you’d never have to feel embarrassed about.
When someone loves you for you – flaws and all, it is a feeling that cannot be described. They were there during your awkward times and many more embarrassing moments but they were there for every last one of them.


You’ll Probably Have A Lot In Common

Friendships usually bud from a common interest, whether it’s your love for romantic movies or even a sport, you guys grew closer to each other because of similar interests. This makes the transition easy because you can continue doing things that you love doing – together!


Their Family Knows And Accepts You …Hopefully

After you and your best friend have been friends for years, it’s a no-brainer that you and their family would have a relationship. If you have a permanent spot at the dinner table, then they already love you and have probably been thinking – why aren’t they together already!


Mutual Friends

Do you remember all the times you had to meet your ex’s friends? Did you dread having to meet a whole new group of people? If you dated your best friend, you share the same friends – so you can avoid any awkward introductions!


They Know Your Past – The Good Bad And The Evil

There is nothing more uncomfortable than diving into the past and discussing your dating history (or any part of your past for that matter) with your new love interest. But with your best friend, they know it all, and never judged you because odds are, they were the person you came crying to.


Things May Change

Once you have decided to explore dating your best friend, you should consider how this new dynamic would affect your current relationship. A friendship and an intimate relationship both require work but an intimate relationship requires a different level of attention, care and growth because your lives are now directly intertwined rather than being supportive roles.


Ending The Relationship Might End Your Friendship

If all doesn’t go to plan, can you go back to being just friends? Before embarking on an intimate relationship with your best friend, you would have to evaluate the chance of them not being in your life at all. Sometimes, you’ll end up losing a lover and a friend in the process.

It Would Also Disrupt Your Immediate Circle Of Friends

If you and your bestie-now-turned-lover decides to calls it quits, not only would it be almost impossible for you to rekindle your friendship, but you may also lose a few friends along the way as it’s likely for some to feel as though they need to choose a side.


In the end, there is no set guidelines for this not so unique situation because what may have worked for someone else might not exactly work for you. Yes, it looks asthough the pros outweigh the cons, but, before you open Whatsapp, ask yourself some honest questions.

Why your best friend? Why now? What would you do if it doesn’t work out? Is it worth it?


There exists 5 stages to any relationship:

1. Infatuation

(Romance Phase)

2. Power Struggle

(Conflict & Bickering)

3. Stability

(Resolution & Peace)

4. Commitment

(Marriage & Children)

5. Co-Operation

(Bliss Phase)

Many of us don’t make it past the Power Struggle of a relationship or if we do, we some how find our way back in some kind of conflict with our loved one.

‘Power Struggle’ by definition is the clash of two people coming together, and the reason for this conflict is due to differences in opinion, religion, political views, parenting, finances, etc.

The problem we have, especially as young people, is how we choose who we end up with. There needs to be a vetting process and this is based on the standards that we set for a potential partner which is a reflection of the standard that we have for ourselves.

This standard that we hold ourselves to is intrinsically connected to our values, our qualities and our moral character. And this forms our sense of self identity.

The question one must ask them self is, who am I?

What defines me? 

What makes me who I am? 

What do I like? What do I dislike? 

Who do I want to be like? 

Who do I not want to be like? 

What is my purpose?

 What is my vision?

The best way to draw all these things together is to perform a SWOT assessment of oneself like in a business: assess ones strengths, weaknesses, opportunities and threats.

In relation to the four pillars of ones identity:
Spirituality, Psychology, Physicality and Finances.


1. Spirit

2. Mind

3. Body

Perhaps the best way to look at the Power Struggle is firstly the struggle within ones Self, before involving someone else.

Think objectively, if you were single would you be happy to date you?


would you be happy and stable if you settled down with you?


Take for example the Six Human Emotional Needs:

1. Certainty or Consistency

2. Uncertainty or Variety

3. Significance

4. Love & Connection

5. Growth & Progression

6. Purpose & Contribution

Everyone fulfils 1 – 4 emotional needs in a healthy or unhealthy way, not a lot of people are able to develop to the level where they can fulfil the remaining 5 – 6.

Maybe it can be put forward that until one has fully matured and developed themselves to point number six that they have no business being involved in a serious romantic relationship.

One who is immature and therefore has no or little understanding of Self, has no business getting involved in serious relationships. That person will be a liability firstly to them self and secondly to the person they are with. This is the point where irreversible life changing decisions are made (usually under the influence of infatuation).

Once the magic of the “honeymoon” phase wears off and/or when the person comes to a knowledge of who they are situations commonly associated with the Power Struggle arise; which could have been avoided if one exercised sound judgement. This is where the concept of a relationship being unequally yoked is birthed.

However, in stating all of this. The majority of people will fall into this stage of conflict and disagreement, once here what the possible outcomes:

1. Breakup

2. Compromise

3. Adapt

Point number one is self explanatory.

Point number two is the group where many married people fall into whether one compromises themselves to avoid conflict or to fulfil the needs of ones partner.

Point number three is the most healthy and conducive to a functional union. This is a level up from merely compromising, which is synonymous with settling. When one adapts it means to invest time and energy to work on ones union. To learn about each other, understand one another  and ultimately accept your partner for who they are which leads to Stability, Commitment and Bliss once the foundation has been formed on acceptance of who your partner is, rather than falling in love with the idea of the person.

Learning your partner, involves understanding what they respond to most. In other words, what is their love language:

1. Words of Affirmation

2. Acts of Service

3. Quality Time

4. Physical Touch

5. Receiving Gifts

Once one understands one is able to better cater to the emotional needs of the other, and most importantly know what fulfils oneself. Fulfilment in this area, re-connects both people together and strengthens the bond more so through commitment than mere lust and infatuation, which is fickle and non-substantial.

Knowledge of ones lover, on the other hand, is the framework from which one can build upon through co-operation in the Bliss phase to achieve ones vision through purpose.

A lot of relationships enter and remain or end in a Power Struggle when a union is founded on passion. When two people know who they are, have a purpose in life and come together to share in the same vision their relationship has a chance to grow and develop to heights that far surpass mediocrity.

It all starts with a knowledge of who you are.


Dating in the 21st century is no joke. 

But, with all the online tools that are available to us, it only seems to make things even more difficult – not easier!

So if you’re looking for some online dating tips, trust us, you’re not alone!


DO be honest

Honesty will always be the best policy. Evaluate the person that you are rather than the person you are pretending to be. If you’re 50 don’t say you’re 35 – even if you look it. This would eliminate disappointment on both ends because you’d rather have someone interested in you for who you truly are! Makes sense right? With that being said…


DO be realistic

An online dating or app site isn’t the time for you to get picky or unrealistic, nor is online dating as strict as a job interview. You should want the best for yourself but sometimes what’s best for you wouldn’t be seen in plain black and white. So get out there, go on a few dates and be realistic because finding someone who genuinely wants to get to know you is a start.


DO give people a chance

Sometimes what you have in your mind as “your type” really might not be, after all, if you were having luck dating “your type” you wouldn’t be resorting to online dating. So step outside of your comfort zone and see what happens. You’ll never know what the world has to offer if you don’t give it a chance.


DO enjoy the moment

Just because your search for true love is now via nontraditional means, this does make it any less fun or any less special. This is the time to try things you’ve never tried (within good reason of course) because when you least expect it, is when the sparks ignite.


DO bounce back from rejection 

Odds are, you wouldn’t meet your prince/princess charming on date number 1. Also, don’t forget that online dating is probably one of the hardest ways to get to know someone because how much can you really gather from a short biography line? So, don’t let one bad date…or 10 get you down because they are a million fish in the sea ready and waiting for you to notice them!


DON’T [for the love of all things holy] talk about your exes 

If your date happens to ask you about what happened (out of mare curiosity), this is still not the time to open the floodgates. There are just some things that you need to leave in the past and this is one of them.


DON’T be mean

Yes, the dating world can be quite cruel but this doesn’t mean that you should add to the cruelty that already exists. If someone genuinely reaches out to you and have no interest, be sure to thank them for reaching out (because it’s the decent thing to do) while expressing that you’re not interested (nicely).


DON’T be inappropriate

There is a difference between being quirky or expressing your fun natured side but thread cautiously because what you think might be funny, might be rude to someone else.


DON’T give out too much personal information

Online dating can be scary especially seeing that one can find out anything about you from the good ol’ internet. So be sure to not give too much information in the early stages – they don’t need to know your 4 middle names nor your last name – are they employing you? They don’t even need to know where you live nor do they need your number. Practice reasonable dating safety and only give personal information once you are comfortable.


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Are you looking for love online?

Chances are if you have not been catfished already it may happen to you soon…sorry!

Being catfished is simply someone faking a persona online and pretending to be someone else.

This person will go to the extent of making you believe they are exactly who they say they are.

You may end up falling in love with a person who does not actually exist. 

That is crazy, right?

What if you discover that the person you fell in love with is a school kid behind the screen?

That would REALLY suck… :-/

Whether you met online through Facebook or an actual online dating app, you will probably see a lot of catfishing and fake profiles. These things happen and, to avoid being a victim,

I got you covered.

Here are 8 Tips on how not to get catfished while looking for love online.

1. Call the Person on Your Phone

One of the ways to get to know someone is by listening to their voice. If he or she refuses to talk to you on their phone, probably they are of the opposite gender. Always insist on a phone call to avoid being catfished.

3. Insist on Using Snapchat/Instagram/FaceTime

Who doesn’t have snap chat in the 21st century?

Are you for real if you can’t make the effort to download it ? 

An excuse you will get here is that they are having trouble downloading it or their phones memory is full lmao. 


5. Ask as Many Questions as Possible

People are smart liars BUT there will always be a way to catch one out…

The best way to get to know someone is by asking a lot of questions.

Ask questions…. pay attention to their reactions… peep their consistency.


You will definitely spot a liar depending on how they answer questions.

7. Note The Consistency of Their Stories

If their story is inconsistent then they probably have something to hide.

Pay attention to what he/she tells you and if certain information doesn’t add up, it might not be true.

2. Try Using Video Chat

They’ve probably already sent you a bunch of pics…

Just to be so sure that you are talking with the right person, a video chat will do.

This is the best way to avoid being catfished as you will see the person AND hear their voice. From the photos they’ve sent you, you can tell if it’s the same person. Just so you know, somebody who is catfishing you will avoid this by any means necessary. They’ll use excuses like ‘my cam isn’t working’….

4. Seems too Good to be True? It Probably is...

This one speaks for itself but….

If you come across a profile of a person that seems to be just too perfect, question yourself.

Go with your instincts my dear.

6. Do an Image Search

If you’ve ever watched the TV show catfish (if you haven’t maybe you should!) you will know that the first thing Nev and the other dude (I forgot his name) do is a Google Image Search.

Doing an image search will be a dead giveaway if the image appears elsewhere but the details don’t match.

Check for multiple profiles, details and names used. Also check their FB page and see if they have a reasonable number of friends and if they have people tagged in their photos or back and forth dialog etc. 

Be creative..

8. If They are Asking for Money They are a Catfish

I repeat.

If they are asking for money they ARE a catfish.

You just started chatting with this person you’ve never met and they are asking for money. 

For some tragic occurrence.

For a phone bill.

For some business deal they might miss out on… they will get creative with these reasons and appeal to the kind-heart you have.

It’s time to block them.


The Bottom Line

Whether you are an experienced dater or new to dating online, catfishing is one of these things you will inevitably come across. 

Don’t let someone take you for a ride with their fake identity.

Applying these tips will help you to not fall for such traps online.

Happy online dating! 🙂

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