Hopped on live with Dynast Amir’s channel, Search For Uhuru and we talk all things Straight, Black, Love.
Check the video out below!
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Black Men Need A Safe Place To Be Angry
The Power Struggle
A Common Issue Between Black Men & Black Women
Hey, my name is Arielle. I am the founder of StraightBlackLove.com - a dating app which aims to connect serious, marriage-minded black singles worldwide. I created the Straight Black Blog to share stories and issues pertaining to the black community, black relationships and healing.
If you'd like to contribute to the blog please get in contact - always happy to have guest bloggers!
Hopped on live with Dynast Amir’s channel, Search For Uhuru and we talk all things Straight, Black, Love.
Check the video out below!
YOU START TO GET SERIOUS WITH SOMEBODY BUT THEY DON’T GET ON WITH YOUR CHILDREN
When marriages break apart, the love life does not end there. People with kids start dating again. You may end up getting a partner who is a great match for you but the problem is that you may not know if your new partner will accept your kids. On the other hand, your kids may not get along with him/her. It is normally recommended that after a break-up and you start dating that your new partner should not meet your kids too early on – just in case. But it could be ages before your partner meets your children in this case. The trouble is what if you become emotionally invested in your new relationship it begins to get serious but by the time they meet your kids they don’t get along?
This would definitely be a deal breaker. Your children are a big part of your life (if not the biggest) and since you are looking for someone to share your life with, if they don’t get along with your most prized possessions the relationship probably won’t work.
If someone doesn’t accept your kids with open arms, you better say bye to them. Your aim is to find someone that’s gonna have your children’s back as well as yours. You have to all get along or the relationship won’t work.
In such a case, you have a hard decision to choose between your partner and your kids. In most cases, people will choose their kids whatsoever. Your kids came first remember! Some people will try to understand why the partner does not get on with your children and hope that with time they will bond, but that is risky, and is it worth the risk?
The worst thing you can do is to force your partner or your kids to develop a connection…which will push them further apart. Sometimes children develop negative feelings towards the new partner, for whatever reason and often times this is a red flag which needs to be explored. In such a case, ALWAYS listen to what they are saying. Your kids SHOULD have a say into your new relationship and it is necessary to prioritize their feelings and thoughts. If kids are already complaining about your new partner, this is a sign that they may not accept him/her as a member of your family. Not listening to your kids in these scenarios often result in abuse by that partner.
Here are signs you can watch out earlier before your relationship gets too much if your new partner is bonding with your kids.
Great communication is very healthy for a relationship and the way your new partner communicates with your kids can tell you whether they are likely to engage in a relationship. If there is miscommunication and they don’t engage in conversations, which are a clear sign that they may not get along.
If your partner does not look forward to spending time with your kids then there is a problem. Someone who gets along with your kids will actively look for ways to spend time with your kids. And if your kids are avoiding your new partner then it’s worse.
Some partners may seem to be jealous of your kids and even the time you spend with your kids. Some will even go to an extent of telling you to stop seeing them. They may even suggest going on a trip with you alone without the children. Such a partner is not ready to bond with your kids and it’s better to cut your relationship before you ruin your own relationship with your kids.
The #BlackLove movement seen across social media is more than a trending hashtag. Historically our families were separated, and even today, mainstream depictions of Black families are represented by a single parent unit headed by a mother. The resurgence of a social Black Love movement is multifaceted insofar as reclaiming our fundamental human right to Marriage and Family (Art 16). Black Love inherently lays the foundations to the building blocks of our communities; the African family – without it, we have no basis from which to create our customs, culture or legacies.
Join us on Thursday 28th February as we gather to celebrate and discuss the solutions to strengthening and sustaining Black relationships. Joined by some of our friends, we will explore the central themes of Communication, Business and the power and impact of digital media on Black Love. Delving deeper, led by Tony Cealy, the audience will be invited to participate in discussions and fun exercises along with the panel who will also share their respective journeys and present the methods they have used in order to sustain healthy and balanced relationships in business and love.
See footage from the event below;
A romantic relationship is nothing short of incredible, hence, no one goes into a dedicated relationship thinking about its demise. But, what happens when it is stagnant? When you and partner aren’t happy? As painful as it may be, if you feel as though it has come to that point, here are some helpful signs that you should look for when it’s time to move on.
The goal of any union is to build a longstanding partnership. If there is no possible future insight with this person, then why are you wasting your time? No one wants to waste their time nor should you waste the time of others. If you do not see it going anywhere, then it’s time to hit the eject button.
Sexual chemistry is vital and if you’re no longer attracted to him then the longevity of the union is heavily compromised.
Have you ever been in a thriving romance where there was no trust? No! I’m simply just doesn’t work. If you find that you’re constantly wondering if he’s telling you the truth, or constantly fact checking behind him, then something is terribly wrong. Trust is one of the major ingredients between two people and when it is no longer there (or has been broken) it’s extremely hard to repair those broken ties. If you both have tried to work on this and it’s just not working, maybe it’s time to reevaluate the future.
Growth is inevitable and one of the most beautiful things in life is growing together with your spouse. The problem arises when you have outgrown him.
If you’re both equally ambitious than there is no problem as you’ll both actively work hard to reach your respective goals. But if you don’t have the same ambition as your companion (and vice versa), it can grow increasingly difficult to sustain. Why? When your partner can’t understand why you must spend one more hour in the office to complete a task since they’ll rather binge-watch the latest Netflix show, shows that not only does he not understand what’s fundamental to you, but that they cannot prioritize something that’s important to you and your advancement. This causes you to lose the respect that you once had.
Sometimes persons can adjust their goals and ambitions in life (for better or worse) but it’s not as easy to adjust their values because our values are a vital part of livelihood – and it’s for the most part, ingrained in us. Now, mature relations feature compromise and negotiation because after all, not everyone has the same values, but, the problems arise when your values begin to clash. If no compromises can be made regarding the most imperative values, then it’s time to move on.
We have all been through things in our past. But, we should never bring our baggage into your current situation as those demons in your past can certainly affect your present. It’s doubly hard to progress together when those hardships were brought about from your current situation.
Partnerships require a lot of work, but they are also meant to be filled with love and joy. When you’ve found that your love has lost that spark and you’ve tried your very best to revive that sense of joy, then it may be time to call it quits. After all, no one wants to be in a union which has now turned into a chore. Partnerships are hard but finding joy in your day to day life shouldn’t be that hard.
Moving on can be gut-wrenching but sometimes love doesn’t conquer all and that’s fine.
Why your best friend? Why now? What would you do if it doesn’t work out? Is it worth it?
(Conflict & Bickering)
(Resolution & Peace)
(Marriage & Children)
Many of us don’t make it past the Power Struggle of a relationship or if we do, we some how find our way back in some kind of conflict with our loved one.
‘Power Struggle’ by definition is the clash of two people coming together, and the reason for this conflict is due to differences in opinion, religion, political views, parenting, finances, etc.
The problem we have, especially as young people, is how we choose who we end up with. There needs to be a vetting process and this is based on the standards that we set for a potential partner which is a reflection of the standard that we have for ourselves.
This standard that we hold ourselves to is intrinsically connected to our values, our qualities and our moral character. And this forms our sense of self identity.
What defines me?
What makes me who I am?
What do I like? What do I dislike?
Who do I want to be like?
Who do I not want to be like?
What is my purpose?
What is my vision?
The best way to draw all these things together is to perform a SWOT assessment of oneself like in a business: assess ones strengths, weaknesses, opportunities and threats.
In relation to the four pillars of ones identity:
Spirituality, Psychology, Physicality and Finances.
Perhaps the best way to look at the Power Struggle is firstly the struggle within ones Self, before involving someone else.
Think objectively, if you were single would you be happy to date you?
would you be happy and stable if you settled down with you?
1. Certainty or Consistency
2. Uncertainty or Variety
4. Love & Connection
5. Growth & Progression
6. Purpose & Contribution
Everyone fulfils 1 – 4 emotional needs in a healthy or unhealthy way, not a lot of people are able to develop to the level where they can fulfil the remaining 5 – 6.
Maybe it can be put forward that until one has fully matured and developed themselves to point number six that they have no business being involved in a serious romantic relationship.
One who is immature and therefore has no or little understanding of Self, has no business getting involved in serious relationships. That person will be a liability firstly to them self and secondly to the person they are with. This is the point where irreversible life changing decisions are made (usually under the influence of infatuation).
Once the magic of the “honeymoon” phase wears off and/or when the person comes to a knowledge of who they are situations commonly associated with the Power Struggle arise; which could have been avoided if one exercised sound judgement. This is where the concept of a relationship being unequally yoked is birthed.
However, in stating all of this. The majority of people will fall into this stage of conflict and disagreement, once here what the possible outcomes:
Point number one is self explanatory.
Point number two is the group where many married people fall into whether one compromises themselves to avoid conflict or to fulfil the needs of ones partner.
Point number three is the most healthy and conducive to a functional union. This is a level up from merely compromising, which is synonymous with settling. When one adapts it means to invest time and energy to work on ones union. To learn about each other, understand one another and ultimately accept your partner for who they are which leads to Stability, Commitment and Bliss once the foundation has been formed on acceptance of who your partner is, rather than falling in love with the idea of the person.
Learning your partner, involves understanding what they respond to most. In other words, what is their love language:
1. Words of Affirmation
2. Acts of Service
3. Quality Time
4. Physical Touch
5. Receiving Gifts
Once one understands one is able to better cater to the emotional needs of the other, and most importantly know what fulfils oneself. Fulfilment in this area, re-connects both people together and strengthens the bond more so through commitment than mere lust and infatuation, which is fickle and non-substantial.
Knowledge of ones lover, on the other hand, is the framework from which one can build upon through co-operation in the Bliss phase to achieve ones vision through purpose.
A lot of relationships enter and remain or end in a Power Struggle when a union is founded on passion. When two people know who they are, have a purpose in life and come together to share in the same vision their relationship has a chance to grow and develop to heights that far surpass mediocrity.