Ever since you walked out of her life, her every moment is spent praying that you would somehow show up for her again.
Whatever she does, whoever she talks to, or how busy she tries to be, doesn’t matter much, her thoughts of you always linger in her mind. Things are pretty simple and straight forward, she misses you, and she is still in love with you, in her heart she is still convinced that you both deserve another chance, your lost relationship is worthy to fight for, and she is ultimately scared to let you go completely.
She has been premeditating ways to win you back, ever since the day she lost you she has this fantasy of you repenting for leaving her. She is maybe expecting you to call or make any move to open a chance for you to get back together. But that isn’t happening in any way, gradually she is beginning to realize that what is gone is gone, she is doing her best to cope but can’t help to settle for the moments you both shared she is becoming obsessive with the fragmented memories of you together.
Every time things become unbearable, her mind strays to that unforgettable image of you, the romantic black prince who was prepared to move the mountain for her sake.
The man who manipulated her into giving up her love with all those unfulfilled promises, she yearns for that man who she gave her whole self to. She thinks of all that she hoped to achieve by your side, all those plans you had that didn’t come to be and the potential joy your relationship could have yielded. She still ponders on all those chances that you missed and still dreams of the perfection you could have created together in love.
She burns a lot of energy analyzing every minute detail of your short time together that mattered. Then it finally hits her, she doesn’t miss you physically, and she misses the idea of you. She misses the imagination of the man she needed you to become and the man you fronted to be. The man you convinced her exists is what she misses, the man who tricked her into falling in love. The girl doesn’t miss the human part of you, it’s the ghost of her past that is still haunting her she misses.
She misses all of her hopes and dreams that you destroyed. Most importantly she misses the person she became by your side. She sobs for the death of that woman who believed she could conquer the universe as long as she was in your arms, she is not nostalgic for the guy you turned out to be. She doesn’t miss the deceptive self, they lying self, or when you let her come last in your life, she doesn’t miss the feeling of being pitched against other women and being forced to compete for your love and attention.
She doesn’t miss your distrustful self or having the hardest time to believe any word you say, she doesn’t miss the reckless man who was careless with her feelings and needs- the self-centered jerk who only care for himself, she doesn’t miss the draining fights and arguments. She knows she is not that crazy to miss all those moments she begged you to change or the countless cold night she spent alone in her bed waiting for you to figure yourself.
The man you were when you felt is not what she is nostalgic about; she sensed when you showed your true self and couldn’t put up the front anymore. She feels fooled and took your lies for too long. Sometimes she doubts whether you existed? Her love for you was deep to the point that she kept the lie that you were someone else. She finds it difficult to accept that eventually you were good for nothing and she wanted to believe you were better. She can’t face the harsh reality that you were never worthy of her love and respect.