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What Type Of Man Should A Black Woman SUBMIT To?

Yes… the image above is ABSOLUTELY clickbait… I am not ashamed – it was fun to make!

First and foremost if you don’t want to read this post and would rather listen to it you can check out the audio version here. It is a full episode of the Pillow Talk Podcast and pretty much what is said on that is transcribed below.



Yes… the image above is ABSOLUTELY clickbait… I am not ashamed – it was fun to make!

First and foremost if you don’t want to read this post and would rather listen to it you can check out the audio version here. It is a full episode of the Pillow Talk Podcast and pretty much what is said on that is transcribed below.


What type of man should a black woman submit to?

Short answer: The type of man she deems
is worthy of submission.

If she has to be the same woman that she was when she was single, then what is she submitting to?
What’s the trade off? What is the deal? What is to be gained?
There has to be a trade.

Are black women single because they don’t know how to submit?

Short answer: Well, yes and no.

A lot of black women nowadays, myself included, are; beautiful, smart, hard-working, love wholly, will put it down in the bedroom, cook you some wholesome food and be ready and willing to raise and nurture your children like there is no tomorrow! And, most importantly she will respect, honour and LISTEN to her husband.

Here is the catch…

He has to be a catch!

To put it simply, the man that a good black woman (and I mean good, all-round and not the ones that put all of their worth in their credit score or degrees) will happily submit to a man that she considers worthy of submission. 

We have to look at a few things in the realm of modern society; the cost of living (in the west) and economics. As we cannot have this convo without taking this into account.

If I, as a single woman, am grinding alone, building businesses, working, paying my bills on time, studying, bettering myself, working-out and basically protecting and providing for myself – as every single woman should be… and I meet this beautiful black man; he is smart, he is funny etc. And we start seeing each other but then I start
to notice, as lovely as he is, he is terrible with money! He isn’t concerned about his credit, getting off of the plantation, creating a
better reality for our future family etc.

Then my respect for that man is naturally going to waver.
(See this post touching on finances, education and how economics impact black marriages: How Black Marriages Are Impacted By The Ability To Accumulate Wealth And Education)
If I have fallen in love with him at this point that was  serious bad judgement on my part. Because these are some things women need to be screening early on.

If we are talking about building, which many women who sort of took offence to Fantasia’s submission comments are, then the partner we choose obviously needs to be up on his game.
If he isn’t there yet he needs to at the very least be showing signs or working towards it and it’s not even a competitive thing.

Like, if he isn’t on his game and she has been – all of her adult life and he is showing no signs of growth in that department then she naturally has to. And she will continue on the same path she was on when she was single.

Otherwise, she is stepping backwards.

Because all men, regardless of their economic position, religion, mind-set etc. want and need to feel respected and needed. And to the man who isn’t on his game like that the woman who is, is going to look intimidating to him and the union will feel more like a competition than an opportunity to level up.

Therefore, it is just going to make logical sense that that particular woman doesn’t submit to that man.
That whole relationship is going to be a struggle because she is going to begin to resent him.

When the children come into it and she has to do the whole pregnancy dance, have the children, raise, cook for more mouths, pay half of the bills, still make money and worry about their betterment WHILE trying to be respectful of her husband, support him, be his bedroom freak or whatever; and do that day in day out…

She will begin to ask what’s in it for her? Just the opportunity to say,  “I have a man, we are still together, look at all of you single bitches”

Because she has had to compromise SO much to keep him and massage his ego while he falls short (because believe me, he knows he falls short and that will begin to display itself).

And if you are the only person compromising then resentment is sure to develop. Again, it then makes absolute sense for him to ‘level down’ – to a woman less concerned with economics, who is asking less of him as she will have an easier time submitting to him and he won’t be competing with her. MANY men already do this, because it is less stress.

He would need to be with somebody he doesn’t feel he is competing with because otherwise all of that talk about finances and financials that he isn’t up on or has no desire to focus on is going to bother him (especially if he has an issue with a woman trying to tell him about money) and his lack of knowledge or desire to even learn about it is going to frustrate her.

So Is That Why A Lot Of Black Women Are Single?

Yes and no.

Many financially successful black women (the small percentage of rich, famous and powerful black women) who are single, are single because they choose to be.
It is just easier and they do not have the desire to compromise with or submit to a man who is financially and economically below them – they are typically looking for a man on par.

But, in my understanding many are also single because they are busy chasing the bag and unwilling to compromise control…or anything at all. So their argument is that they would submit to a worthy man but actually their idea of a worthy man is flawed. And any man that ticks ALL of their boxes is so few and far between that he is more or less non-existent.

So they beep choosing the wrong man and or only focussing on the financial element of mate and then when the question of submission
comes up they are almost offended.

“How dare these trashy men I keep dating want me to submit to them!?” is the vibe I tend to get.

In this society a black man who is economically advanced AND a leader and all the other things on their list is so hard to come by. 
And then if by chance he does show up on the radar, ticking all the boxes…


Who’s to say he is even interested in HER?!

Even if she can and is willing to submit. Why would he choose her when he can have his pick? Because a man that who manages to tick all of your boxes surely ticks many other women’s boxes and he might not feel that what you bring to the table is sufficient for HIM.

If he has all his ducks in a row then he typically doesn’t need her earnings to supplement or help build himself so his needs in a wife will differ to what she says she brings to the table entirely.

Mind you, there is nothing wrong with a black woman focussing on her money and education, it is a necessity – let’s not get this twisted. It is just about being self-aware.

That brings me to another point.

Are black women being advised to marry down? Especially when the conversation is about finding love. To many black women who are on their grind and want to marry a black man. They are running into this issue where the black men they meet are rarely as educated or financially stable as them.
And while most women are instructed, from young, to marry up – it is just the done thing, you choose the best provider. Black women are made to feel like gold-diggers or focussed on the wrong things when they try and do the same.

But with all of that being said yes, most women are looking for financially stable men and that seems to be the base of this submission argument. But if you notice this wasn’t even mentioned once.
As I said, Fantasia herself has secured the bag already but her scenario and her husbands are special. Different dynamics.

So what happens when you take the financial element out of it for the everyday couple?

When we minimize finances, what kind of man and what qualities would he have that would make this woman naturally submit?

The man that works WITH her –  who isn’t trying to dominate her
or direct all of the decisions alone. He gets her submission, naturally.

The man that sees her strengths, is self-aware of his weaknesses and how she complements them. He gets her submission, naturally. He doesn’t need to ask for it.

And her submission will be in the form of respect.
The way she compromises, the way she thinks, the way she loves.

The man that shows up, consistent, is trying, not flaking on her not giving her reason to question or doubt his loyalty.
The man that is solid; regardless of where they are financially.
If he is trying, not making excuses – those are the respectable leadership qualities she is loosing for in order to submit to him.

He has her back.

A black man like that isn’t going to let anything jeopardise what they have going on. He is just a solid dude because that is his CHARACTER. If he is solid and he is trying and she herself is a decent woman.
Not hot-headed, not messy; then he possesses the traits worthy of her submission and she will submit to him without a second thought.

The issue is 1. her finding such a man. And 2. her being a decent woman, to begin with. If he is such a man and she isn’t decent – her loss “Only a joker would shuffle on a king!”