Ladies, I am going to get straight into the meat on this one, please heal from your last relationship before getting involved with anybody else.
The absolute worse thing you can do when entering into a new relationship is to bring your past relationship baggage into it with you.
It simply isn’t fair!
You have to learn to forgive your past in order to grow from it – nobody is saying it will be easy. Depending on what you have been through this could be a lifetime worth of healing but regardless, it needs to be done. You owe it to yourself as when you bring past baggage into a brand new relationship, in the end, you only end up doing a disservice to yourself!
If you can grow through your past hurt and practice forgiveness you have a valuable skill on your hands for your new relationship. Now that isn’t to say you will put up with any and everything but no relationship can prosper without forgiveness, this is a fact.
You will need it sometimes and so would your compliment – the key is to remain positive in times that might remind you of your past and use that knowledge to
a) decipher if there is indeed a behaviour pattern you have noticed but also;
b) remind yourself that this new person is not your ex and deserves your maturity and calm-headedness (is that a phrase?)
Plus, you yourself need that mental clarity so you can assess the situation before overreacting.
The fact is the majority of us, women, do this; bring past baggage into our new relationship. Absolutely nothing good can come of it because then that man will need to fix another mans mistakes as well as whatever mistake he has made with you. He will be trying to solve an issue and be thinking to himself “damn, is it that bad?” Not knowing that it is a mixture of issues you are reacting too and 80% of them he never caused! See it from his perspective.
Even the most patient and understanding man will have a hard time dealing with that and will begin to ask himself if it is even worth the headache. He might stick around for a bit and give it a chance, he might cheat and use your erratic behaviour to justify it or he might just checkout altogether. Either way, it is something you don’t need.
He Is Not Your Therapist!
Yes, the idea of having somebody to talk to and depend on in a relationship is golden and it is something we both need from each other. However, using your partner as an emotional punching bag is not the same thing.
… See a therapist.
And I mean that in the most loving and respectful way. Your man is not qualified to heal your past trauma and, tbh, too soon into the relationship all of these issues showing up usually makes you appear unstable and not fit for the relationship.
Relationships are hard; can one who is unstable really carry their weight in a relationship while carrying so much baggage?
See a therapist…
Therapy has always been taboo in the black community but maybe because we are doing it wrong. Whether it is in the form of getting regular council from somebody whom you trust who is not projecting their own hurt on you or your situation (which is something you will need to figure out yourself), getting a life coach, or just googling the specific type of trauma you have and seeking a therapist that way.
Therapy for black people is usually the wrong kind; talking to people closest to us who already have their own hurt, baggage and opinions on our lives.
Forgive yourself for whatever your role was in the hurt; this is the first step. This isn’t you taking the blame this is, in fact, you relieving yourself of the entire blame.
You can learn whether you are addicted to toxic relationships or whether you have internalised the other person’s behaviour and let it become part of you.
Your hurt will show up in your new relationship as lack of trust, checking his phone, not believing he is where he says he was, thinking he is spending “too long” somewhere, trying to dictate their every move and tell them what they need to do in order to keep you sane and happy when indeed you are not happy within yourself. A decent man will notice these red flags and jet! The wrong man will play these games with you and you will allow it because you have become accustomed to this behaviour and the cycle will continue. It is only when you check your own behaviour at the door that you will gain the mental clarity needed to navigate your new relationship and make better choices. But much too often the latter plays out… and then you get pregnant. *rolls eyes*
You Do Not Need A Man To Make You Whole
Men and women need each other, this I believe wholly.
Despite this, you do not need a man to make you whole as a person. You are already a whole person, were before him and will be in the event that you are no longer together.
Women need to stop depending on their man to complete them – giving him full control of their emotional well-being; absurd. This gives somebody the absolute power to deplete you, instead, and while you made that choice you will blame them and the next for it.
You need to trust until he gives you a reason not to…
If he is showing up solid and consistent then your doubt will only serve to push him away.
The key to navigating this new relationship properly is to carry experience, not baggage. If you heal and carry your experience but not the baggage then you will notice any signs without simply expecting the worse.
Do not allow your past hurt to dictate the flow of this new, healthy and exciting union.